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Here is an essential manual for creating a positive, respectful, and rewarding relationship with a strong-willed child. Based on proven techniques and procedures, parents and teachers alike will welcome this book.
- Sales Rank: #7095 in Audible
- Published on: 2011-11-28
- Format: Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Running time: 464 minutes
Most helpful customer reviews
188 of 194 people found the following review helpful.
Highly recommended
By Michael Katz
It is amazing how well this very great, very practical book documents typical family interactions. All of the examples are very realistic, and reading them makes you say, "Yes, exactly, that's exactly what happens with me and my child." By simply drawing these interactions out on a timeline, MacKenzie shows how much effort can go into verbal sparring with your child, and how this sparring is an insidious, counter-productive, and self-perpetuating process. I learned some simple lessons from this book that fundamentally changed for the better the way I interact with my 9 year old daughter.
First, some kids, for a variety of reasons, are strong-willed, and in most cases it's nobody's fault they are that way. So get over worrying about why your kid is strong willed. Parents who were compliant children themselves can be especially puzzled by their strong-willed children, and want to look for an answer to "what went wrong?" But in most cases nothing went wrong.
Second, when strong-willed kids challenge your rules with defiant/testing behavior, it is very easy to see the whole thing as a power struggle that they are constantly drawing you into as part of a sinister plot to make your life as unpleasant as possible. In contrast, MacKenzie very helpfully suggests that, when you child tests and challenges, you simply remind yourself that your child is strong-willed, and the way strong-willed childred learn about the world is to test limits. The purpose of testing these limits is not to make your life hell. It is their way of genuinely *asking* the question, is this thing I'm doing okay? That's their job, to ask questions about behavior in this way -- it's how they learn how the world works. So your job as a parent is to answer that question (usually the answer is "no") as clearly and consistently as possible, and to patiently answer it as many times as is necessary for the lesson to be learned. The kid tests, you reply with the clear answer, everybody's just doing their job.
Third, all of this can be done in an incredibly respectful way that is not punitive, threatening, or patronizing, without yelling or spanking. MacKenzie guides you through it step by step, using examples that ring true because they come from regular old real life.
If you are frustrated by your interactions with your strong-willed/difficult/defiant child, this book could very well make your life and your child's life much better.
232 of 247 people found the following review helpful.
For the Child of AVERAGE Will
By Rachel B. Ramey (blogger/author)
Although I wasn't crazy about the author's derogatory tone toward any parent who spanks, I found this to be a great basic parenting book. It is not, however, truly geared toward parents of strong-willed children. The underlying premise of the book is simply, "Make your limits clear, enforce them - period - and your child will comply." As the parent of a very strong-willed preschooler (as well as a more "average"-willed grade schooler), I find this, frankly, offensive. His strong implication is that if my child is not behaving, overall, the way I would like her to be, then it must be because I'm permissive or overly harsh.
Actually, the children he describes in his examples are clearly not exceptionally strong-willed, because they all respond very quickly to simple consequences. They may not be exceptionally compliant, but neither are they particularly strong-willed. The strong-willed child will find any way humanly possible to circumvent consequences - or just hold out until they're through and then return to what he was already doing. Unfortunately, time outs (enforced as necessary by physically carrying the child to his room and then holding the door shut until time out is over) is the only suggestion he makes that I can imagine actually working with a strong-willed child. Even if I wanted to use time outs for everything, they don't work for everything, so the book still leaves parents of strong-willed children without the ability to consistently enforce the house rules.
To offer a few examples:
A situation is described in which a child arrives at the author's office and refuses to stop twirling his chair. As a consequence, he's told to sit in a stationery plastic chair. and he reluctantly complies. This would only work if we were prepared to physically place her in the other chair and then hold her there, probably screaming, the entire time we attempted to hold a conversation.
In another instance, a child was refilling his squirt gun from an off-limits faucet. As a result, he lost the use of the squirt gun - by handing it over to his mother. My strong-willed child would never have handed over the gun; unless we could forcibly remove it from her hands without fear of harming her (for instance, by accidentally breaking one of the fingers she has clamped around it), and then literally lock it away until she's allowed to have it back, this would never work.
As a final example, a preschooler is described as dawdling over getting dressed for preschool. She's given twenty minutes to finish getting dressed, at which point the clothes are gathered into a bag and loaded into the car along with the half-dressed child. We are told that the child will "scramble to finish getting dressed." Mine would not. Even if she would, how can a young child safely get dressed in the backseat of a moving vehicle?
All in all, I really did find this a good presentation of basic parenting principles. But for those who are already familiar with sound parenting, and seeking techniques that work with very stubborn children, it really isn't helpful.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
This book really helped me at becoming a better father
By Marcelo Oliveira
I purchased this book in 2007 when my strong-willed two-year old daughter was giving me a very hard time in setting rules and boundaries within my family. She is my only child, so I had no experience at all at parenting. I read other books at the same time with a lot of mushy advice but the book that actually helped me a lot was this one. By understanding the differences between the so called compliant and non-compliant child, and following his guidelines, I was able to manage my relation with my daughter, and actually improve it a lot. Definitely recommended for the new father and mother.
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